Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
I remember searching desperately for characters who looked like me (or rather, looked like the thing that I might be but was too scared to admit yet, even to myself.) I stared at every blurb I found, scanning the shelves at the school library, the public library and the ones in the bookshops in the hope that suddenly there would be a bright beam of rainbow light and any potential queer book there would launch itself into my arms. Unsurprisingly, that didn't happen.
University is kind of a terrifying experience. Moving away from home, living in a new place, meeting new people and studying on a whole new academic level is an awful lot to deal with in one go. If you've been around on my blog for a little while it might not be a surprise to you that I found my undergraduate a totally overwhelming experience. I struggled and stressed and worried for three years straight - I had a panic attack that included the really ugly, messy kind of crying on my third day there (in front of two office staff and a lecturer - great first impression I made!) and that just set the tone really. London, despite being a city I'd had my heart set on for a decade, was a very harsh place for me. It was always slightly too much: too busy, too loud, too fast paced and I constantly felt like I was on the outside looking in, not really a part of the bustling city life but also not really wanting to be.
That being said I don't regret going to London, or staying there. I can't regret the decision that resulted in the most wonderful bunch of weirdo's - girls I'm privileged to know let alone count as friends. I can't wish I'd picked a different path when it brought me back to writing, when it has led me to studying my passion in a city I'm falling more in love with every day.
I second guessed every moment I spent in London, never feeling capable and always feeling more like I was just surviving than actually living. In Edinburgh it's already a completely different story - I know it's still very early days but I'm actually living in this city as opposed to surviving each day and disliking most of them. Every part of it has completely captured my heart and I haven't found anywhere I don't like yet. Edinburgh even looks magical when it's miserable and gloomy! Putting aside how pretty everywhere is for a minute I do feel like there are tangible reasons for this feeling and have summed up my top four.
Your teenage years are a weird time of life.
Add in realising halfway through Year Nine that girls are so much nicer than boys in every single way - and then promptly pushing that thought to the very back of your mind to deal with later on (anyone else procrastinate dealing with their sexuality or was that just me) my teenage years were a very weird, confusing time for me. I had no idea why I felt like I had to actively pick a boy to crush on when it seemed that most people around me seemed to just fall into liking someone.
Today - 3rd October - is the one year anniversary of getting my tattoo. It's been one year since I stopped "thinking about" something I knew I wanted and just went for it. One year since I decided to stop worrying about getting something seemingly cliche, stop worrying about what other people might think and just seized the flipping day and got it.
Today marks the anniversary of a day when I didn't let myself talk me out of doing something, a day when I just went for it. It was a small thing but a giant thing at the same time and I have never once regretted it.
If you read my post about being an invisible femme the other week you might be looking at the title of this thinking "hang on a second.." but don't click off just yet- I haven't done a complete u-turn on everything I wrote, nor have I made huge errors in the title of this post! You see, I view being a femme lesbian as a coin: with visibility and invisibility being the two sides, you can't have one without the other and both are just as valid and important to discuss and talk about. As much as I consider myself to be an invsible femme; I also view myself as a visible one too.
I am a visible femme because I'm out, proud and feminine with no wish to hide any part of me.
I am a visible femme by choice and not just because I might not be seen otherwise.
I am a visible femme because I've been told "well I guessed", "you're not subtle when you see a pretty girl" and "I did wonder" all on separate occasions after coming out to people. I am a visible femme because I'm too passionate about LGBTQ+ rights (and pretty girls apparently..) to simply pass under radars as just an ally.
The invisible femme: a feminine looking lesbian who struggles to convince or show that she is gay.
The invisible femme: a lesbian who recieves yet another label because she doesn't conform to society's stereotypical definition of what a lesbian looks like. You know; short hair, short nails and a wardrobe full of checked shirts and and heavy-duty "man boots."
The invisible femme: the girl writing this blog post.
"You're too pretty to be gay" or "I never would have guessed" are both comments I've recieved a few more times than I'd prefer and I'm still baffled as to how the first one is supposed to be complimentary in the slightest. As for the second one I always feel a surge of annoyance which is quickly followed by frustration because I know that the stereotypes I mentioned before are to blame for people not guessing. My long hair and painted nails are as much a part of me as my blue eyes and my sexuality are and yet the first two somehow erase or coverup the fourth despite the fact that it's the latter two which aren't changeable?
As an invisible femme I am both privileged and disadvantaged. I "pass" as a straight woman so therefore do not recieve even half as much abuse and homophobia as my sisters who fit the stereotype, but on the other hand the number of homophobic comments that have been made in my hearing about those sisters because I am not counted as one of them is heartbreakingly high. I don't fit the stereotype so therefore I'm clearly a straight women who would find a "haha gayyyyyyyyy" comment amusing.. By not fitting the stereotype I pass under the radar, I avoid the weird looks and whispered comments that so many people I know have had to deal with but at the same time I often wonder if I also pass under the radar of people I belong with.
Stereotypes are so prevalent both outside and inside my community that often I am an invisible femme not only to boys in the club but also to members of my own group. How many potential flirtations or coffee dates have I missed out on because I chose to wear a dress that day. When I went to a queer craft fayre did I look like an outsider to my own people? Is my love of checked shirts just seen as a quirky "me thing" or as the tongue-in-cheek acceptance and love of one of the many stereotypes held under the umbrella of lesbian it actually is?
When I was very little I wanted to be a singer, my sole ambition in life was to be a pop star and the fact that I couldn't hold a note or keep in tune to save my life was merely a minor speck on my otherwise clean road to stardom.. If I wasn't singing into my hairbrush I would be making up stories, scribbling about teddies and tea parties as soon as I learned how to hold a pen.
Then I got a bit older and decided that actually singing wasn't for me and instead I would throw myself into the world of acting. Red carpets, film sets and the glittering world of stardom was so clearly where I belonged I didn't know why I hadn't seen it before. Despite sticking up posters of actors all over my walls I continued to write, this time with the aid of my mums laptop and even though almost everything was inspired completely (and copied indirectly) from Enid Blyton, a few of my own idea's managed to sneak through and get written as well.
I got a bit older again and although I stuck with the overall acting theme I broadened my aspirations from film sets to include theatre stages, decided to pick drama for an option when I went to sixth form and daydreamed about opening nights for both live and recorded entertainment. During this time I also stopped writing, gave up trying to come up with new ideas and fast forward a couple of years and without a single moment of hesitation I moved my entire stories folder into the rubbish bin on my desktop. A year after that I got a new laptop and those files were left behind completely; a vague memory in my mind but nothing tangible to see or pick pieces from.
Fast forward again and I'm a bit older still, flying through university by the skin of my teeth, spending every other week shaking off not only the self-doubt but also the thoughts that crept in over night, thoughts of I can't do this and I don't want to do this that echoed in my mind. I still wanted to act but everyday leant more towards the creative process rather than being in the spotlight myself; and my word documents and notebooks were still only filled with lecture notes and essays rather than anything enjoyable or creative. But then my hatred of writing essays led to me taking a chance,throwing caution to the wind and opting to pick Playwriting instead of a dissertation for my third year project.
Let's just recap that last bit- hadn't written anything creative in years let alone academically creative and decided "oh whatever, I'll do it" when faced with the chance to not only write creatively but write a play for the first time ever..carpe diem indeed! So even though I didn't enjoy university at all I can't be sorry or regret choosing the course I did because if I had chosen a different university, not only would I not know the people I do now but I wouldn't have had the option to write a play this past year. Now I've started writing again I don't want to stop, being creative and channeling my own ideas into an actual piece of writing has quickly become a favourite way to spend my time.
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| happy, overwhelmed, excited & emotional - ten minutes before submitting. |
I'm also using pinterest on & off to create boards, some more personal to me but a lot are character based and if you're interested to see which pins I'm shaping into ideas then you can find that here.
love el
xo
hello!
I just wanted to spill out some feelings and thoughts about the LGBT fans deserve better movement.
(Image from http://lgbtfansdeservebetter.com/ and used with permission)
When Dana died I was heartbroken, she was one of my favourite characters and her storyline could have gone on to be so good and helpful for hundreds of girls. However once I wiped away my tears I was fine, I still had about seven other women, gay women, to watch and love.
When Lexa died I was heartbroken and angry, she was one of my favourite characters and her storyline could have gone on to be so good and helpful for hundreds of girls. However when I wiped away my tears I was still angry, I no longer had any one I could look to, to watch and love. No one that represented me as a lesbian, as a girl who just happens to love other girls.
Watching Friends Carol & Susan gave little gay me hope, hope that I could one day figure out what I was feeling, that I could one day fall in love with a girl, that I could be happy and in love and loved. But since Friends? I've only had a handful of onscreen wlw; even fewer in relationships and even fewer still who are alive at the end of the shows run.
Since Lexa's death I've lost count of the number of women-loving-women (wlw) who have died or been killed (one of which was thanks to the creator of the L word, Ilene Chaiken), and yes many of them have been from under the same TV company- but the company itself is completely irrelevant.
This movement is starting to really become something; media outlets are taking notice, companies and taking notice and potential future writers and showrunners are taking notice. If we stop now we go right back to invisibility and/or death; and if we start arguing amongst ourselves about what to trend then this movement will fizzle out, people will stop taking us seriously and we go right back to invisibility and/or death.
It doesn't matter what we trend, it only matters that we do trend, that we stay together and we stay united. Our moment is now; let's make it count.
It's not about one character or one company. It's about us. It's about us standing up for ourselves and standing up for those who can't. It's about us standing up and standing together. It's about us fighting back and showing that they can't just throw us a bone every now and then and think it counts. It's about us hurting every time they kill off the only person we relate to because they got bored, or couldn't be bothered to work out a schedule. It's about us deserving better and it's about us getting what we need.
It's about us.
USEFUL LINKS
~If you want to find out more about the movement I recommend these two sites:
LGBT Fans Deserve Better
We Deserved Better
~To donate to the Trevor Project Leskru fund:
https://www.classy.org/fundraise?fcid=625415
~ Learn more about why the Trevor Project is so important:
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
~My previous post on why minorities deserve better:
http://isthateloise.blogspot.co.uk/2016/03/minorities-deserve-better.html
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