more than surviving

Friday, 5 October 2018

University is kind of a terrifying experience. Moving away from home, living in a new place, meeting new people and studying on a whole new academic level is an awful lot to deal with in one go. If you've been around on my blog for a little while it might not be a surprise to you that I found my undergraduate a totally overwhelming experience. I struggled and stressed and worried for three years straight - I had a panic attack that included the really ugly, messy kind of crying on my third day there (in front of two office staff and a lecturer - great first impression I made!) and that just set the tone really.  London, despite being a city I'd had my heart set on for a decade, was a very harsh place for me. It was always slightly too much: too busy, too loud, too fast paced and I constantly felt like I was on the outside looking in, not really a part of the bustling city life but also not really wanting to be.

That being said I don't regret going to London, or staying there. I can't regret the decision that resulted in the most wonderful bunch of weirdo's - girls I'm privileged to know let alone count as friends. I can't wish I'd picked a different path when it brought me back to writing, when it has led me to studying my passion in a city I'm falling more in love with every day.

I second guessed every moment I spent in London, never feeling capable and always feeling more like I was just surviving than actually living. In Edinburgh it's already a completely different story - I know it's still very early days but I'm actually living in this city as opposed to surviving each day and disliking most of them. Every part of it has completely captured my heart and I haven't found anywhere I don't like yet. Edinburgh even looks magical when it's miserable and gloomy! Putting aside how pretty everywhere is for a minute I do feel like there are tangible reasons for this feeling and have summed up my top four.