the invisible femme

Saturday, 10 June 2017

The invisible femme: a feminine looking lesbian who struggles to convince or show that she is gay.

 The invisible femme: a lesbian who recieves yet another label because she doesn't conform to society's stereotypical definition of what a lesbian looks like.  You know; short hair, short nails and a wardrobe full of checked shirts and and heavy-duty "man boots." 

The invisible femme: the girl writing this blog post.

"You're too pretty to be gay" or "I never would have guessed" are both comments I've recieved a few more times than I'd prefer and I'm still baffled as to how the first one is supposed to be complimentary in the slightest.  As for the second one I always feel a surge of annoyance which is quickly followed by frustration because I know that the stereotypes I mentioned before are to blame for people not guessing.  My long hair and painted nails are as much a part of me as my blue eyes and my sexuality are and yet the first two somehow erase or coverup the fourth despite the fact that it's the latter two which aren't changeable? 

As an invisible femme I am both privileged and disadvantaged.  I "pass" as a straight woman so therefore do not recieve even half as much abuse and homophobia as my sisters who fit the stereotype, but on the other hand the number of homophobic comments that have been made in my hearing about those sisters because I am not counted as one of them is heartbreakingly high.  I don't fit the stereotype so therefore I'm clearly a straight women who would find a "haha gayyyyyyyyy" comment amusing..  By not fitting the stereotype I pass under the radar, I avoid the weird looks and whispered comments that so many people I know have had to deal with but at the same time I often wonder if I also pass under the radar of people I belong with.

Stereotypes are so prevalent both outside and inside my community that often I am an invisible femme not only to boys in the club but also to members of my own group.  How many potential flirtations or coffee dates have I missed out on because I chose to wear a dress that day.  When I went to a queer craft fayre did I look like an outsider to my own people?  Is my love of checked shirts just seen as a quirky "me thing" or as the tongue-in-cheek acceptance and love of one of the many stereotypes held under the umbrella of lesbian it actually is?

Top - Topshop.  Rainbow necklace - Asos.

I am classed as an invisible femme because unless you've had a handful of conversations with me you wouldn't know me well enough for me to feel comfortable telling you.  I am classed an invisible femme because the default in society is straight unless you look otherwise and I haven't got round to making my banner yet.  I am classed as an invisible femme because my sexuality is still considered something that should be hidden from view, only to be found on laptop screens for mens enjoyment.  I am classed as an invisible femme because for all the jokes about pillow princesses I am still seen as an anomaly, an outsider in my own community.

I am an invisible femme and I both hate it and love it at the same time; I take a little guilty pleasure out of the shocked reactions because someone "wouldn't have guessed" and I love painting my nails and putting on a dress for a meal out with my friends, I'm proud of my own sexuality and my own identity.  But I hate that I feel invisible in my own spaces, I hate that I have to wear my sexuality like a badge on display because it's the only way someone will know I'm part of the club.  I love that there is a hashtag of #theinvisiblefemme and I hate it because why should I have to label myself within a label purely so other people know.

I am an invisible femme. A label I didn't pick but choose to accept anyway because I might as well take it, make it positive and own it than ignore it.  

love el

twitter: isthateloise  /  instagram: eloisemae  /  bloglovin: eloisemae


  1. Interesting post. I saw a video from a bisexual YouTuber called Melanie Murphy and she said she gets approached by men but not men but not many women. She's very feminine too so perhaps it's a similar thing- people think she's straight because she doesn't fit the stereotype.


  2. A really interesting and insightful post. I might be an invisible women too coz I don't talk just for the sake of it and don't take part in conversation except if I am super interest. I understand for all the stereotypes. It might be so so tiring and frustrating. xx corinne

  3. This is such a powerful post. It's awful what people will say when they think there's no one around besides people who share their exact identity. It certainly shows you who they are.

    Thank you for reminding the world that we have to stop judging and classifying people based solely on appearances and stereotypes.


  4. Yes girl! How bad is society with stereotypes these days! Be what you want to be and work it! Your post is an eyeopener!

    Vanessa xxx

  5. This was such an interesting read! That is crazy that because you're feminine and girlie you're automatically assumed to be straight! Thankfully something I've never come across before! Very interesting read
    PaleGirlRambling xo

  6. Such a great post, also love that top! x

  7. Loved this post, was an incredibly interesting read- it's sad how people still judge and stereotype based on appearances!

    Gabija |

  8. This was such an interesting post and I must say I probably identify as the same x

  9. What an incredibly powerful post! Beautifully written! I love that your opening up about this, I think it's so important!

  10. Wonderful post! I relate so much to this especially having such an overly feminine style my sexuality is constantly questioned which just gets tiresome having to justify it! Xx

  11. Such a wonderfully written, powerful post!

    It's such a shame that still, so many people judge others based purely on appearances and stereotypes. Be who you want to be!

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