Today - 3rd October - is the one year anniversary of getting my tattoo. It's been one year since I stopped "thinking about" something I knew I wanted and just went for it. One year since I decided to stop worrying about getting something seemingly cliche, stop worrying about what other people might think and just seized the flipping day and got it.
Today marks the anniversary of a day when I didn't let myself talk me out of doing something, a day when I just went for it. It was a small thing but a giant thing at the same time and I have never once regretted it.
Way back when I was a little first year I ventured off out into London to see the Christmas lights being turned on and ended up taking a photo outside Claridges; and after telling my mum about it we decided that at some point we would find an occasion and have afternoon tea there. Three years later we finally sat down for afternoon tea and wow. It was so worth the wait.
As well afternoon tea being something we've wanted to do for ages it fell at the perfect time. My mum turned 50 in March, I was 21 in February, my brother has just finished his first year of university and I've just finished university altogether so it was a celebration of several milestones!
St Dunstan-in-the-East is both a testament to the willpower of people and a clear demonstration of nature persevering and prevailing. Originally built in 1100 the church has been built, repaired, destroyed, patched up and rebuilt, changing from a place of private worship into a place of public peace. Since the 1970's it has been an open public garden and after reading about it and seeing other peoples photos I knew I had to go myself.
If you read my post about being an invisible femme the other week you might be looking at the title of this thinking "hang on a second.." but don't click off just yet- I haven't done a complete u-turn on everything I wrote, nor have I made huge errors in the title of this post! You see, I view being a femme lesbian as a coin: with visibility and invisibility being the two sides, you can't have one without the other and both are just as valid and important to discuss and talk about. As much as I consider myself to be an invsible femme; I also view myself as a visible one too.
I am a visible femme because I'm out, proud and feminine with no wish to hide any part of me.
I am a visible femme by choice and not just because I might not be seen otherwise.
I am a visible femme because I've been told "well I guessed", "you're not subtle when you see a pretty girl" and "I did wonder" all on separate occasions after coming out to people. I am a visible femme because I'm too passionate about LGBTQ+ rights (and pretty girls apparently..) to simply pass under radars as just an ally.
We march because in 1969 Sylvia Rivera threw the first brick and yet fifty years later bathrooms are still being patrolled and controlled,
because you treat my fellow sisters like we're both your worst nightmare and your greatest fantasy rolled into one even though we are not here for your pleasure,
and because America's worst mass shooting in history took place in our month against our people and they ask why marriage isn't enough?
The invisible femme: a feminine looking lesbian who struggles to convince or show that she is gay.
The invisible femme: a lesbian who recieves yet another label because she doesn't conform to society's stereotypical definition of what a lesbian looks like. You know; short hair, short nails and a wardrobe full of checked shirts and and heavy-duty "man boots."
The invisible femme: the girl writing this blog post.
"You're too pretty to be gay" or "I never would have guessed" are both comments I've recieved a few more times than I'd prefer and I'm still baffled as to how the first one is supposed to be complimentary in the slightest. As for the second one I always feel a surge of annoyance which is quickly followed by frustration because I know that the stereotypes I mentioned before are to blame for people not guessing. My long hair and painted nails are as much a part of me as my blue eyes and my sexuality are and yet the first two somehow erase or coverup the fourth despite the fact that it's the latter two which aren't changeable?
As an invisible femme I am both privileged and disadvantaged. I "pass" as a straight woman so therefore do not recieve even half as much abuse and homophobia as my sisters who fit the stereotype, but on the other hand the number of homophobic comments that have been made in my hearing about those sisters because I am not counted as one of them is heartbreakingly high. I don't fit the stereotype so therefore I'm clearly a straight women who would find a "haha gayyyyyyyyy" comment amusing.. By not fitting the stereotype I pass under the radar, I avoid the weird looks and whispered comments that so many people I know have had to deal with but at the same time I often wonder if I also pass under the radar of people I belong with.
Stereotypes are so prevalent both outside and inside my community that often I am an invisible femme not only to boys in the club but also to members of my own group. How many potential flirtations or coffee dates have I missed out on because I chose to wear a dress that day. When I went to a queer craft fayre did I look like an outsider to my own people? Is my love of checked shirts just seen as a quirky "me thing" or as the tongue-in-cheek acceptance and love of one of the many stereotypes held under the umbrella of lesbian it actually is?
When I was very little I wanted to be a singer, my sole ambition in life was to be a pop star and the fact that I couldn't hold a note or keep in tune to save my life was merely a minor speck on my otherwise clean road to stardom.. If I wasn't singing into my hairbrush I would be making up stories, scribbling about teddies and tea parties as soon as I learned how to hold a pen.
Then I got a bit older and decided that actually singing wasn't for me and instead I would throw myself into the world of acting. Red carpets, film sets and the glittering world of stardom was so clearly where I belonged I didn't know why I hadn't seen it before. Despite sticking up posters of actors all over my walls I continued to write, this time with the aid of my mums laptop and even though almost everything was inspired completely (and copied indirectly) from Enid Blyton, a few of my own idea's managed to sneak through and get written as well.
I got a bit older again and although I stuck with the overall acting theme I broadened my aspirations from film sets to include theatre stages, decided to pick drama for an option when I went to sixth form and daydreamed about opening nights for both live and recorded entertainment. During this time I also stopped writing, gave up trying to come up with new ideas and fast forward a couple of years and without a single moment of hesitation I moved my entire stories folder into the rubbish bin on my desktop. A year after that I got a new laptop and those files were left behind completely; a vague memory in my mind but nothing tangible to see or pick pieces from.
Fast forward again and I'm a bit older still, flying through university by the skin of my teeth, spending every other week shaking off not only the self-doubt but also the thoughts that crept in over night, thoughts of I can't do this and I don't want to do this that echoed in my mind. I still wanted to act but everyday leant more towards the creative process rather than being in the spotlight myself; and my word documents and notebooks were still only filled with lecture notes and essays rather than anything enjoyable or creative. But then my hatred of writing essays led to me taking a chance,throwing caution to the wind and opting to pick Playwriting instead of a dissertation for my third year project.
Let's just recap that last bit- hadn't written anything creative in years let alone academically creative and decided "oh whatever, I'll do it" when faced with the chance to not only write creatively but write a play for the first time ever..carpe diem indeed! So even though I didn't enjoy university at all I can't be sorry or regret choosing the course I did because if I had chosen a different university, not only would I not know the people I do now but I wouldn't have had the option to write a play this past year. Now I've started writing again I don't want to stop, being creative and channeling my own ideas into an actual piece of writing has quickly become a favourite way to spend my time.
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| happy, overwhelmed, excited & emotional - ten minutes before submitting. |
I'm also using pinterest on & off to create boards, some more personal to me but a lot are character based and if you're interested to see which pins I'm shaping into ideas then you can find that here.
love el
xo
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